Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
You can't special order awesome
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
