there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
