im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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