i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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