I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
