ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
