theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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