Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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