Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
