I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
