i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you have to choose: penises or morals?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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