you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
