my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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