im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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