i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
