My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I had to cum in my sink.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
