How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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