so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
