no, he came in my armpit
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
