I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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