So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
