i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
