I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
