i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
