this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
