Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
