I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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