i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
