Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
