I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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