So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
