at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
