Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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