Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
