my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
