I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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