I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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