He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
