hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
