i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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