So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
