Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
