You're earring is so big in my mouth
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
