Where did you get a picture of my penis
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
there is glitter all over my balls
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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