Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
