bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Holy shit dude........stairs
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
