First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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