why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
