I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
