if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
