wrigley field is MILF paradise
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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