He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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