i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
